GETTING RACEY AT ASCOT

Any excuse to get dressed up and head down Ascot for a bit of a flutter at the races.  Accompanied by the girls, we strutted our way into the Ascot grounds, posh frocks flowing in the wind, picnic hampers swinging in our arms, clutches stuffed with cash and enough pink rose to sink a small battleship.  Yes, we had arrived… and so had everyone else!

From top hats and tails, to Jack Wills and popped collars, from over-sized hats and designer clobber to summer dresses and fascinators, the Ascot ladies and gentlemen were seriously well turned out folk.  Ok, there were a few chavy scrums here and there… oh, and the odd empty champers bottle being lobbed at someone’s head, but from a fashion point of view, Secrett Agent was IMPRESSED.  Here I document one of my favourite days out this summer and the awesome (and at times epic) outfits I stumbled across.

I also won £1.20.  RESULT.

Ascot here we come!

Grandstand baby:

Checking out the race card:

Lucy gets some tips:

Ascot wouldn’t be Ascot without massive hamper, champers, strawbs… and duck umbrella (obvs):

And the heavens open – laughs under the giant umbrella:

Posh frocks, stilettos and muddy field – doesn’t quite look right:

Contemplating the next winner:

Matching chairs, love it:

Ascot is still a classy affair – or is it?

Wiping the mud down:

Queue for the ladies… not long then?

Touching up:

Love this striking look.  Amazingly bold monochrome dress and awesome head piece, made even more dramatic by the fact this lady has a shaved crop:

Great summery yellow number with brown accessories and massive sunnies.  Great Ascot look.

I was really drawn to this colour. Cool mint green with black accessories – it works:

Gorgeous full length dress, complete with chavs in the background:

One of the more extravagant hats:

More of a day time look, this 1950s style dotty coral dress screams the races!

Love the preppy look on the lads.  Great tie:

I love the white number in the middle.  Very sleek and elegant!

Big hair was all the rage:

Refreshing lemon yellow with some bold black accessories:

The baps out in force!

A light summery number, dressed up with blazer and purple fascinator:

What colour suit IS that?  NO COMMENT!

Mack fashion:

Skinny grey suit, check, handkerchief check, pocket watch, check, rolled up trousers, check:

Here’s one smooth operator:

Jack Wills – I thought as much:

A pretty vintage look:

Lucy gets lacy AND racey!

Have we got a lost jockey on our hands?!

Gorgeous little day time look, perfect for the races.  Tailored jacket looks awesome with flowing pink 50s style skirt!

A difficult colour to pull off, but Cozza here is totally rocking it!

Getting through the booze…

Hamper fashion:

I LOVE APPLETREE

Just a quick one to say that I stumbled across this really cool boutique on Commercial Street the other day and just love the clothes.  New clothes, but made to look retro.

Here is what I bought…

~ HEARTS ~

~ PARROTS ~

Their website is currently down (www.appletreeboutique.co.uk) but here is where you can find them:

~ Appletree Boutique ~

164 Portobello Road
London W11 2EB

104 Commercial Street, Spitalfields
London, E1 6LZ

SPRING HAS SPRUNG! AND SO HAS ANOTHER SEASON…

We all deserve a bloody good pat on the back.  Yes, because ONCE AGAIN, we have survived the long cold hard downright UNFAIR British winter.

But we all know it was worth it.  Because for those five miserable bleak months, we were merely freezing our arses off to be given the best reward of all.  A glorious clock change and the start of a long and beautiful summer.

That’s why we live here right?  For the cider, the picnics, the drinking on the street after work, the BBQs and the Sunday markets.  Oh, and the park.  One tiny ray of sunshine and the whole of London empties out of its city houses and plonk, into the park, with ten billion of tubs of suncream, several million pairs of ray-bans, enough picnic blankets to fill a thousand double decker buses and 10x more disposable BBQs then Tescos can actually supply.  Oh yes, we WILL make the most of it.

So, a couple of days into clock change,  there I am at work, gazing out the window and longing for summer to start.  Then Tara texts me.  My friend from PR company Robinson Pfeffer in Shoreditch, inviting me along to their Press Day BBQ, a night for buyers, bloggers and general fashion followers to see a range of fashion designers and their AW 11/12 collections.  YES!  to BBQ – oh, and the fashion designers – of course I’m bloody coming.

The evening was a good ‘un with some seriously unusual kit, bold designs, bright colours, luxurious fabrics and SWIMWEAR.  Bring on the summer.

I love the necklace on the far left.  Probably because I love sushi and it looks just like those little plastic soy sauce squeezey things:

BLING!  These totally over the top (but I rather like them) Swarovski necklaces made by Lucy Hutchings are pretty spectacular.  So I was totally not surprised to hear that Jo Lo’s stylist has already snapped up both of the below:

These rather groovy cozzies and bikinis are from We Are Handsome and definitely got a fair wack of coverage when Rhianna and Dianne Kruger were spotted wearing the black pantha number:

Black beauty leggings, I like:

Carry your laptop around in style – I take my hat off to Kateryna Karmachova and her beautiful bat-inspired bag collection (L-Dog, you love this right?!):

Tara modelling one of the laptop cases:

The Bat Bag!

Inspired by fantasy, mystical forests and all things Tim Burton, Athena Procopiou presents her AW11 scarf collection entitled The Enchanted Wood.  Each digital cashmere blend scarf reveals part of her fairy tale collection.  Not cheap though at £167 a pop:

Mingling with the Queen of British Blogging, it’s Susie Bubble:

My favourite everyday designer at the collection was Stolen Girlfriends Club:

Wide leg floaty trousers are soooooo hot right now.  And these ones are no exception!  Love the see-through chiffon material with silky undie cut-out underneath.  They’re wick:

I totally rate orange and red together and this design is pure smouldering summer sex:

Every girl needs a pair of woolen panties… or not?!

Thanks to Tara for the invite, Robinson Pfeffer for the inspiration and Kopparberg for the berry cider…

GREAT BRITISH HAIRWRECKER

When me and pal Lucy Stewpot got thrown an invite to model on hair show ‘The Great British Hairdresser’ (a show I actually hadn’t seen before), we thought WHAT THE HELL, WHY NOT?!  I mean how bad could it be?

This is how bad… Bank Holiday Monday, horrendous hangover after the obligatory Sunday night out (just because we could), annoying train ride to Essex and ab0ut four hours waiting in a claustrophobic room with a bunch of high-heeled barbie dolls (our fellow models), who applied, re-applied… and then re-applied again their make-up  – over and over and over again, until we felt like the biggest scrubbers in Essex.

So what’s the gig?  WELL, the brain-child of THE James Brown, leading celebrity hair stylist and presented by Abby Clancy (Peter Crouch’s chick, you got it), this show claims to put the country’s top (I’m not so sure) hair stylists in a room and let them battle it out to be crowned the Great British Hairdresser.

The hairdressers’ challenge for our particular week?  To fit a wig to the model’s head and cut the hair to their face shape.  The outcome?  I’ll let you decide…

As much as my hairdresser (Jay) blamed ‘the model’ for not getting through, as you can see from the photo below, he practically sprints to pick me!

Jay still has no idea I have a wig hiding under my robe (heheheeeee):

Out comes the wig and Jay gets in a bit of a fluster!

Lucy’s gay guy Sean starts creating ‘The Mushroom’:

Short on one side and long and curly on the other… REALLY?!

It was funny at first, but seriously, I’m actually NOT impressed:

Mushroom with two long bits… hmmmmmm…

LUCY’S FINISHED ARTICLE:

We believe Sean’s inspiration came from a combination of Thunderbirds, mushrooms and nuclear explosions  – very versatile hair style this one:

MY FINISHED ARTICLE:

We know Jay’s inspiration behind my [quote: James Brown] ‘schizophrenic’ haircut.  According to Jay, Mel B was his inspiration.  Yep, the man’s given a challenge to cut the wig to my bloody face shape and I get Mel B.  Cos I look sooooooooooooooooo like her…

The haircut in question.  Inspiring…

James aint impressed.  And neither is Jo Elvin, the Editor of Glamour Magazine:

Jo Elvin: ‘So, what kind of a woman do you see wearing this haircut’?  Hmmmmmm Mel B?

Not impressed:

And when I didn’t think it could get any worse… I appear (with the offending haircut) on Harry Hill’s TV Burp!!!  I’m on from 4.20 minutes and have been aired most nights this week.  EPIC!  Maybe that slog up to Essex was worth it after all.  My 30 seconds of fame has multiplied and I’m happy to say, I’m now a national treasure!  Ok, laughing stock.  But it’s bloody brilliant all the same!  Thank you Jay for being my Great British Hairwrecker!

HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY FROM CAMEROON!

So, here I am blogging from Cameroon, a few days later than I had hoped due to dodgy internet connections, possibly down to a naughty orange-headed orange-tailed Cameroonian lizard nibbling my cable to the router.

A likely suspect, sneaking around outside the hotel:

So what on earth am I doing in Cameroon?!  WELL, I’m here in the good ole day job, showing 10 lads and 2 ladies how to do an environmental and social audit of their thermal power station in Douala, the second largest city in the ‘Roon.  Here I am on-site, standing in a funny little circle, painted for the power station’s opening ceremony, so that the person saluting the flag could be in precisely the right place… handy that.

In action, doing some environmental checks… this is an emergency shower for washing hazardous chemicals off skin should an accident/spillage occur.  It’s so hot, I kind of wish I pulled a bit harder.

ANYWAY!  Not wanting to bore you with the technical details of how one spots the environmental impacts of reciprocating engines, combustion turbines and lubricating oils (naughty), I’m here to talk about the other thing I’m pretty into. Yes, you got it, *F*A*S*H*I*O*N*.

Day two of the training, on the long journey to the plant, I couldn’t help but notice that all the women were wearing the same print dresses, in a variety of colours but mainly in green and pink. When the two ladies on my course also turned up in these beautiful dresses (and the lads were going out of their way to make me tea…), I realised that something strange was going on. Yes, it was International Women’s Day!  Originally called International Working Women’s Day, which happens on the 8th March every year.

The lovely ladies on the course:

A close-up of the print – at first I thought it said ‘avoidable women’!

Nowadays, this is a major day of global celebration of women and Cameroon is no exception. In different regions across the world, the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women’s economic, political and social achievements.  Bring it on ladies… I’d like to see the UK embracing this Women’s Day malarkey a bit more!

An International Women’s Day march in Cameroon one year:

THANK YOU CAMEROON, THE LADIES ON THE COURSE & THE ORANGE-HEADED ORANGE-TAILED LIZARD FOR THE INSPIRATION.  NOW TO WRITING UP THAT AUDIT REPORT…

KINKY KECKS AND PULLIN PANTS

I don’t know about you girls but I love a man in a good pair of pants. So boys, throw away those dirty grey Y-Fronts, grab yourself a stiff drink & LISTEN UP – this one’s for you.

Secrett Agent has been searching high and low for the perfect panty, guaranteed to make the girls go wild.  How did I get on?  Well, spending so much time trawling the urban underworld for sexual new styles, it wasn’t long before I stumbled across an Agent whose talents didn’t just stop at spying criminals, breaking codes and hacking into security systems more advanced than the universe itself.

SO great are this man’s talents, I must disguise him as the one, the only AGENT SCHLONG – whose skills and attributes span indescribable intuition, alluring logic and a sizeable (computer) package.

For this blog only, Agent Schlong strips down to his panties to showcase the finest collection of kinky kecks and pullin pants Secrett Agent ever did see.  Enjoy (I did)…

Agent Schlong says: ‘Stay supercool not high and dry!’

(£12.99 Superdry)

Agent Schlong says: ‘Jackass! Pants for the party boy’

($15 from the States, Bonds)

Agent Schlong says: ‘Top gun, the pants to Cruise around in…’

(£9.99 pack of 3, H&M)

Agent Schlong says: ‘Girls love a guy who goes down under!’

(Schlong’s gift from a friend… Ozzie no doubt…)

Agent Schlong says: ‘The classic boxer, the housewife’s favourite’:

(£6, Gap)

Agent Schlong says: ‘Team America, not just for dummies!’

($5 from the States, American Eagle)

Agent Schlong says: ‘The everyday budgie smugglers that will suit every bum’

(£25, Aussie Bum, available from Selfridges)

They don’t look too bad from the front either…

Agent Schlong says: ‘Tightey whiteys – can’t beat em’

(£9.99 pack of 3, H&M)

Agent Schlong says: ‘Shaken not stirred… guaranteed to catch that bond girl’

($15 from the States, Bonds)

Special thanks to Agent Schlong for getting his kit off…

(Polaroids: Secrett Agent)

WONDER WOMAN GETS HER OWN MAC COSMETICS

Remember Wonder Woman? 

Just because she’s the world’s sexiest superhero and can get the truth out of the bad guys (by whipping her lasso or poking their eyes out with her massive tits, I mean her tiara) she still needs to look good when she gets up in the morning.  And according to Mac, no superpower can do that.  Cue Mac’s new slew of Wonder Woman inspired cosmetics.

Details are all quite hush hush in the UK, but Secrett Agent has had a sneak peak on Mac’s American site. The collection includes a wide range of bright pigments, lipsticks, blushes, powders and nail varnishes all encased in kick-ass Wonder Woman branded red, blue and yellow compacts and pots. It even includes an accessory range of fashionable brush bags and belt (I don’t want one, I NEED one).  The range will hit the shops in the UK in March, so get involved…

Lady Justice Eyeshadow Quad:

Reflects Glitter:

Opulash Mascara and Penultimate Eyeliner:

Powder Blush:

Lipstick:

Lipglass:

Nail Lacquer:

Wonder Woman Make-Up Bag:

Utility Belt Eye Brush Set:

Wonder Woman Invincible Mirror:

I think I’m actually in love with Wonder Woman.  Oh, and Mac for bringing her back to life in a lipstick.  Epic.